“As for me”, I said in my alarm, “I am cut off from before Thine eyes”. Nevertheless Thou didst hear the voice of my supplications when I cried to Thee”. Psalm 31:22
How many times have I thought God didn’t see or didn’t hear me? How many nights did I cry out to Him for help and seem to receive nothing back? It is easier to believe that He didn’t hear me than it is to believe that He heard and chose to do nothing.
Either way, I was hurt, and I’ll admit, angry at God. The God I knew healed people, heard people, spoke to people. He didn’t ignore them or walk away and I felt He had done both of those. Ignored me and walked away. Night after night of calling out to Him. And no response.
The words of this song by Plumb say it much better than I can:
How many times have You heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have You given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need You
God, I need You now.
I don’t know how many times, I’ve lost track, but I decided that maybe, just maybe, in the process of healing my body, there’s a deeper work that needs to take place in my heart. Only God knows.
I wanted Him to just take this off me, but He didn’t. He has allowed me to walk through this. Right now, I am watching my son who is 14 walk through a difficult time. A time I wouldn’t remove from Him if I could. Why not? Because of the bigger lessons he is learning in this process. As a mother, I want my son to learn these issues of trust and waiting before he is out of my house and my direct supervision. In short, I am trying to prepare him to be an adult. That’s my job. Just lifting this burden wouldn’t prepare him for the next ones that will come.
Maybe, just maybe, God is doing the same thing in my life. Watching, waiting, encouraging but not removing the pain. Maybe He wants me to grow up into an adult who has learned to trust while waiting. Maybe it is only in retrospect that I will know that God heard my supplications all along.
Father, help me to walk by faith during the times when I don’t see You or hear Your voice – the times when I am tempted to think You don’t see or hear me. Forgive me for doubting. Thank You for hearing the voice of my supplication when I cry to You. Please let Your perfect will be done in my life in Your perfect timing and please help my son through this time of waiting to keep his eyes on You, I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.